ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
An odd boast
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged