My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.