If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled