If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to