If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise