Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally