If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.