Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Lmao the reply
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I am yelling
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.