If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.