@DrunkMidLife: If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.
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@bumble_weed: If a tree falls in the woods it usually tries to do that awkward jog to make it look like it didn't trip but hahahah it did. It totally did.
@spitfirehussy: You've been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.
@ieatanddrink: Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
@velweb: 12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you're handsome. Me: Aww. That's cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?