@DrunkMidLife: If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@pauleggleston: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
@KentWGraham: I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
@shwebby2: British police don't carry guns. So what exactly do they do then? Yell "STOP... OR I'LL SAY STOP AGAIN!"
@juneohara65: Sound smarter than you are: end words with "eaux" and sentences with "if you will." If you're pissed, "quite frankly" adds a nice touch.