Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Every. Damn. Time.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*