If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.