But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*