If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?