Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.