If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
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This is the best one I’ve seen
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.