If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
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How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!