If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.