If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
You Might Also Like
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
happy friday
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.