my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
You Might Also Like
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
the official breakfast of 2021
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR