When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
You Might Also Like
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.