If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My favorite farside!!
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries