If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
#have a #great #PancakeDay
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania