If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others