Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor