If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
You Might Also Like
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I can’t stop watching this.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Tony Hawk, age 6
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.