If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.