If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.