If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Erm I’m gonna say no
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*