If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls