@JosesLovesYou: If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
@FrogAvalanche: Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop. Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer. DD: U sure? Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
@awordforaword: *men apologize for their weakness* *women apologize for their strength* *aliens probe neither*
@liv_thatsme: "THE CROPS ARE DYING!" "NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THIS DROUGHT!" me: I know what to do! *gets a car wash* (Storm clouds appear on the horizon)