@JosesLovesYou: If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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@jessicaa1017: Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say "when" and starts grating cheese on my salad I say nothing Room fills with Parmesan No one survives
@Reverend_Scott: [funeral] He looks so natural. Ya, but he looks a little stiff. *raises from the dead* "That's what... *gargle* ...she said." *dies again*
@DirtMcTurd: If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
@chuuew: 911: What's you're emergency? ME: You mean "your"? 911: OK. So..? ME: Someone's murdering me 911: You mean "murdered" ME:.. 911: [dial tone]