If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
You Might Also Like
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
reminder
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay