If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.