If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Probably my best painting.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
this came to me in a vision