If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.