If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time