If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.