@LoveNLunchmeat: If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write "No DMs" in your bio.
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@NervousJr: People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
@MichaelTrying: The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
@sixfootcandy: Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I'm like "they wouldn't be clean anyway mom!"