@LoveNLunchmeat: If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write "No DMs" in your bio.
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@EndhooS: [Job interview] Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn't notice the mustard on my shirt Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
@WilliamRodgers: YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID??? My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn't as big as the TV in our house...
@Mike_Bianchi: My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
@tastefactory: INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]