ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good