If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
my one true gender
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.