If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
#dalle2
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*