If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”