you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Cats (2019)
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.