@timdonakowski: If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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@torrami: My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
@LivibelsDada: Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.
@laurenreeves: My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"