If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Goodnight 🐶
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.