If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
SPLOOT
TRAIN’S HERE
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
R.I.P.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.