If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it