If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
i wish i could marry a nap
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?