I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The internet is full of many things
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.