If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The first matador
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.