“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I saw nothing
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
reminder
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then