Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
getting groceries
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree